Bob’s letter from the Christmas tree

Hiya All – It’s me Bob

I am not scribbling this letter from the Tandem because we are currently having a little break from that. In fact most of my thoughts for this letter have come into my little bear brain while I have been perched, very uncomfortably, on top of a Christmas Tree. I guess I should change my name to BOCT but that doesn’t sound as good as Bob.

Well, despite my misgivings about the capabilities of the oldies, they somehow managed to get me and the bike to Invercargill but I have to say that I was having serious doubts over those last couple of weeks. It was tandemonium, more than a bear should have to bear!

Things started to look decidedly dodgy when we got to Omarama and the RA up and announced that she was having four days off. The next morning she appears with an even older geezer called Rod. The GOTF whips out the video camera and they start recording a video about this Octogenarian. For those who don’t know, that is someone in their eighties – YES 80s! – taking over as the RA while the real RA is on unapproved (by me) leave. I get dragged out of my pouch and my paw is thrust into his hand. He throws me up and down until my brain nearly bounces out and then I am told that I am looking after him instead of the RA. This is not good, at least the real RA treats me nice. Anyway, I go into a state of shock as we won’t have the real RA’s wise and stern words to keep the GOTF in check. She tells me that Rod is fitter than a young bear cub but I am not convinced and plead with the two ladies that I also need a break. I am exhausted and am also really worried that this temporary RA will rip my paw off if he gets hold of me again. But the two ladies were in the car and off quicker than I can open a jar of honey. Deserters!

So I had to ride over some pretty scary terrain with these two old geezers and as you have probably already read, that included them (and me) getting blown off the bike and them not knowing whether they were coming or going. I think the wind blew their brains out! During our little calamity Rod is flying around in the air like some capeless batman while the GOTF is crawling along on the ground hanging onto the bike and trying not to imitate Rod. I honestly thought that it was all over and that I was headed to that big honey pot in the sky. Anyway, the GOTF seems to briefly remember what phones are for and sends a text message to the holidaying duo suggesting that we were in a spot of bother. A couple of minutes later the real RA rings on the phone asking what their (as in Batman and Robin) plan was. About all the GOTF could mutter was “to stay alive” while Rod yells “to land safely”. Getting the gist that the team was in a bit of disarray, the ladies prompted mustered a rescue mission and gave the ‘boys’ a coherent plan and me some hope that I would be reunited with my honey.

That night, while I was calming my nerves with said honey, I overheard the gals recounting their own adventures. Apparently when Rod’s wife Christine got behind the wheel of the car she morphed into Louis Hamilton and managed to get pinged for speeding by a diligent southern law enforcement officer. They were whispering that the ‘boys’ didn’t need to know because Christine had done an Oscar worthy acting performance, so convincing, that no speeding ticket was issued. The RA confessed to Christine that she thought Christine’s acting was in the league of Meryl Streep and further fessed up that she, the RA, was not really interested in trying for ‘best supporting role’ because she has watched far too many American cop drama shows and stayed put just in case she ended up being thrown against the car, tastered, cuffed and thrown in the local lockup, something she did not want to suffer on her much needed holiday. These two had convinced themselves that they were in the right. Why do cars have to have powerful engines? Why are the roads sooo straight in the South Island and why did God put all of that amazing but distracting scenery along the side of these straight roads. It wasn’t their fault that they were going ??? kph (we will never know the truth). Kinda sounded like a kiwi version of Thelma and Louise.

About the same time, the GOTF started complaining about having sinus and was definitely not pulling his weight for a few days, especially the last couple of days through to Clyde. So guess who was relied on to keep the expedition on track – yup – under appreciated BOB! Then at Clyde the RA came bouncing back all full of enthusiasm and raving about the great roadie that her and Thelma oops Christine had. By the time we get to Roxburgh, that same day, she is coughing like a bear that has swallowed a honey bee. Great! I think I understand how Captain Scott must have felt on his way back from the South Pole with his team dropping like flies. Anyway, being made of much sterner stuff than the two softies, I did not get what they had (apparently it was something called Covid) and held the team together to lead us triumphantly onto Invercargill and the end of the Southbound stage.

Being an Angel Bear I am highly trained in the skills of observation and this expedition has given me an amazing opportunity to observe our country and people. While stuck up on top of the Christmas tree I started to reflect on the ride so far.

Me and the tandem are a bit like a honey pot and whenever we stop we attract people. They are usually very interested in what we are doing which gives us (well the RA) an opportunity to tell them all about The Bald Angels and Angel Bears and our ride. I just smile a lot and look cute. The RA is really good at chatting to people and in return they are happy to tell her all about themselves. We have met some really interesting people who have been involved in all sorts of activities from; elephant conservation, setting up a bicycle courier business using cargo bikes, running a community radio station, habitat restoration, building bike trails. Then there were the farms that we stayed on where the families often operated multiple businesses as well as quite diversified farms. It looked to be very hard work but something they were happy to do to hang onto their slice of Aotearoa and avoid living in an urban environment.

These were all stories that could be told in more detail but I guess the really important story here is that in dragging the team on this adventure I have helped to open up their aging brains to more than what was going on in their immediate local ‘bubble’. There is an amazing country awaiting if you are prepared to slow travel through it. They have also learned that the world is not primarily populated by ram raiding youths, patched gangs or other assorted bad actors that mostly, politicians would have us believe. There are actually a lot of kind and generous folk out there, not to mention charismatic bears.

Based on what I had read and gleaned from conversations prior to our departure, I had formed the view that the World beyond the end of our driveway is a very dangerous place. When we mentioned the names of some of the towns that we would be staying in the feedback often included phrases and words such as “you’re brave”, “really” or “rather you than me”. I started out by hiding in my pouch on the bike when we arrived at said towns but we never got robbed or beaten up and in fact found them to be pretty cool places inhabited by really friendly people. In Opotiki, a local took up our cause and got to work on the local facebook page to rustle up some donations for us. In Wairoa it was the same, everyone wanted to chat to us and this was a town that had taken quite a beating over recent years (and still is) from bad publicity including a run of poor weather.

We were also told that cycling was really dangerous and were left with the impression that the number one mission of your average motorist was to hunt down cyclists and knock them off their bike, preferably killing them thus permanently freeing up valuable road space for more cars. We discovered that mostly, motorists gave us a friendly toot or wave and wide berth when passing. But it is a ‘two way street’. We respect the big trucks and get out of their way and, also try not to be an obstacle in fast moving two way traffic. Another tactic is to minimise the distance we have to travel on busier roads. You cannot always avoid these roads but there is no comparison between riding on quiet country roads and busy State highways – you can enjoy the ride on the former but on the latter you have to ride to survive. Our busy roads are mostly not built to accommodate the size and volume of vehicles that they now carry and on the bike you get a far better appreciation of the speed that vehicles are hustling along at. You somehow don’t get that same feeling when you are enclosed in your air conditioned tin can.

If there is a conclusion that this observant bear can draw, it is that too many people form opinions without having really experienced the subject that they presume to be experts about. Metaphorically speaking, there is nothing like getting out there and ‘getting your hands dirty’.

Unlike the old dudes who have been unbelievably lazy since their return to Kerikeri, you have probably already suspected that I have had another job to do. When we got home they couldn’t even be bothered putting up a Christmas tree but Anna (who named me) soon sorted them out when she arrived. “Where’s the tree” she asked the GOTF in a no-nonsense tone. He pointed towards the sky but I realised that they must have a fake one up in the attic. Well Anna had the GOTF up into the ceiling so fast I thought that she must have poked him with a cattle prod. They then determined that as I was an Angel of sorts that I should sit on the top of the tree and before I could say “no way Jose” I was strapped onto the top of that fake (and prickly) tree where I had to reside for the next week. Bring on the biking is all I can say about that crazy episode.

Well the rest of the team and Anna (I was not invited) went and had a catch up with Rod and Christine on Christmas eve and Christine had got a little Chrissy present in the post. She didn’t seem very excited about the gift though. Apparently it was from one southern law enforcement officer that she had done the ‘acting job on’. She might just have to polish up those acting skills in 2025. Fortunately, Rod had returned to earth and seemed to have well and truly ticked his bucket list items marked – ride a bike & experience a Norwester wind. The manual bike that the GOTF had loaned him was almost thrown at the poor old GOTF when we arrived. I got the distinct impression the Rod never wants to sit on a bike seat ever again.

Well, I am down off the Christmas tree and now have a much nicer and relaxing spot to spend the next few days leave. I propose to chill and think about honey.

Here’s hoping that you all have good 2025. As expedition leader I want to express the teams thanks to those people who have donated to Bald Angels and also to those who have provided us with so much support and encouragement during that ride south. These comments help me to gee up the team when things get a little tough, especially the RA who is nearly as small as me and has to work a lot harder than the GOTF.

Lets hope summer arrives before we head back south.

Bob

The GOTF said that he has updated the videos for the ride for those who have absolutely nothing else to do. I watched a few of them and even caught the RA muttering a rather awful expletive. Anyway, here is the episode where the RA heads off on leave.